Have you ever felt like you weren't yourself? Like you weren't living the life you feel that your suppose to? That's how I feel. I want to change my life. To reinvent myself. I don't know how though. I don't know anything and it scares me. I might just be feeling emotional, but I've been thinking about it now for awhile. Can you tell when you see me walking down the hall? Do you even notice me? Do you try to meet my eyes? Can you tell I'm thinking about something? Do you ever wonder what? Do you even care?
I want to do so much, but how?
I want to slowly change myself, but retain the essential part of me. It doesn't feel like this is my life. I want to go back and start over. Can I do that? If I can where do I sign up? I want to let go. Of everything. All of my problems, thoughts, everything. Does that sound drastic? There are so many things I wish would go away, people included. that sounds harsh. I don't know what is going on anymore. Everything is different. I want to go swing. I want to swing higher and higher leaving everything behind, until I can fly. Then leave it all behind. This isn't making any sense.
I want everything to change. I'm not living in the right time period. This isn't the life I'm suppose to live, this isn't me. I don't know anything anymore. I want it all to change or go back to before.
I want to live. What would that entail exactly? Life is going by so fast, I can't keep up. It's junior year and my life feels like a one way track. How will I know I've reached my destination. Will I cease to exist? I don't know what being alive means. I want to feel it. Feel life running through my veins, breathe it in. Does this sound weird?
I want to know how many people's lives I have affected, have I even done that? It feels like I haven't done anything. I want something to happen. Have I changed your life? Did my way of thinking influence you in some way? Was it for better or worse? If my seat were to be empty the next day will you notice? What thoughts would run through your head? I'd notice if someone was gone, would I get the same treatment? Do I deserve it? So many questions, so few answers. Would even care I wasn't there? How about the next day? How many days will go by until you notice or care? Well, I feel silly now.
I'm reading Before I Die by Jenny Downham it's making me emotional that's all. Strike through and erase everything else. Forget I even said anything.
Current Music: coldplay